A Single Girl in the Big World: To my Brother

So I will be without internet for the next week, so I am posting this early. Friday, August 26th will be one year since I have lost my brother. This past year, I had to deal with his loss on my own. I have not talked much about it so I thought I would share my letter to him on this very special day.

To my brother CJ,

It has been a year since I have received the phone call. It has been a year since God has called you home. It has been a year since you have been made whole. It has been a year since my outlook on life has changed dramatically.

I pray and hope you know how much I love you. I remember carrying you around like a baby doll. I remember sliding down water slides at Adventure Island and riding roller coasters at Busch Gardens. I remember summers you spent with me in Tampa. I remember jumping on the bed with you in Arkansas. And my most favorite memory of you was when you were tearing up the dance floor at my wedding. You were so full of life and had SO MUCH energy. You were always willing to try different things and I bet I could get you to do anything. You lived life with no worries.

This past year has been really hard mourning your life away from family. I am not even sure it has really hit me that you will not be there when I come home, but I have learned something in this past year. God has shown me that you and I are more alike than I thought we were. We both have had this void in our life. I believe it stems from this longing for a strong, loving father to love us and support us unconditionally. Unfortunately we did not have that, so instead we looked for that love in other things. I even believed for many years that I was not worthy of happiness. Even though we sought out different paths we had the same end result. Nothing can ever fulfill that love except for God. In this time, I have regretted not being the big sister that I wish I could have been. I know I pushed you away because I disagreed with how you dealt with things instead of letting you know I felt it too. It hurts me that we will never be able to have talks and cries together. I will never have the chance to hug you and love you on this Earth. You were hurting and I pushed you away. However, I have learned the value of understanding and loving people where they are and not expecting anything more. God has shown that He loves and understands me right where I am at. I need to be more loving towards people that I do not understand. This has brought me a newer appreciation for Christy and I love her even more now.

When I returned to Vanuatu after your funeral, I had the hardest time adjusting. This caused me to have two anxiety attacks and ultimately brought me into Vila. I had to talk with a psychologist and was almost sent home because I could not keep it together. Then as I pursued God in the midst of my pain, I heard Him tell me “your time is not up in Vanuatu because this is where I am going to grow your faith in me.” The very next day, I made the decision to stay and live out this time for you. God knew that I would need this time for you and for myself. Living here has made me slow down and take life one day at a time. This time has shown me that my happiness lies in God and who God says I am. This time has shown me that God’s grace is sufficient for me and for everyone else. This time has shown me to love people because you do not know what anyone has been through.

I am choosing to live this life with love and compassion for people and life. I am choosing happiness every day. I am choosing to live this life honoring you. You were taken at such a young age but you changed me and helped me to seek OUR heavenly Father. I thank you so much.

I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your millions of questions. I miss your voice. I miss your wildness. I miss your energy. I miss you.

I love you so much! You will always be in my heart. I will always talk about you and I know that you always have my back.

I pray that I see you again!

Love your Sister!